Tag: Soon-to-be-mom

Addiction or Recovery?!?

April 5th, 2018

This is a monster I have been battling for just about half my life. Addiction is a disease, and it destroys life. It has the ability to take away the greatest gifts of life, and it can take a person who’s never touched drugs and turn them into someone they had no idea exsisted.

My journey in addiction and recovery has been a long one. It’s only been the last couple of years, that I actually have been able to see the truth of life and situations, and been able to fully concede to my Innermost self that I am an addict and I CANNOT use any substance no matter what!

I believe that I have again reached a turning point in my life and in recovery! My spirit is shifting and the benefits and gifts are beginning to out weigh the disease.

I must share. Today I had an experience. Something that is different from MOST of my life. I reached a breaking point, a point where my head, who is my WORST enemy attacked me!

Walking through Walmart pushing my grocery cart, it just stopped moving! The wheels locked up as if I was trying to take off with the cart?!? No big deal right? Just leave your stuff and go get another cart.

For me, it was the breaking point, for some odd reason! A gentlemen that worked there went and got me a different cart, and I took what I had, left what was still on the list, paid and went home!

Once I was home, it all hit me, ALL these feelings and emotions that build up, being pregnant, feeling like death for 3 months straight, soaring hormones, almost losing my mom, dealing with some painful things in recovery, and then of course, the stupid cart, pushed me over the edge, and I lost it.

For the first time in a really long time, taking some pain pills or smoking some dope,(meth) sounded like a GREAT idea. Regardless of the fact that I’m pregnant 🤰🏼 my addiction told me that was the best solution out there!

I was scared by this thought. It also gave me a chance to practice some of the spiritual principles I’ve learned in recovery. Reach out, share about it, pray, meditate, and DONT USE NO MATTER WHAT!

I shared about it, and I cried for a solid hour. So cleansing!

The last 3 months have been a challenge, and a gift at the same time. God blessed me with a miracle of motherhood, and has blessed me with a clarity of mind.

The grocery cart is a good analogy of life, sometimes we run into things that bring us to a HALT! Things, thoughts, feelings that stop us in our tracks! What we do in those times, shows where we are a humans and what we need to work on!

I have taken that experience, and looked at it closely, it was all the little bumps that led me to a screaming halt and so overwhelmed! Today I’m learning to push through and find a way to continue on the path…..even if I feel like I can’t any longer!
Courage over Fear

March 3rd, 2018

I often find myself in a place where I don’t know what to write about, and then I read something and my mind goes running 🏃‍♀️ but my fingers can’t catch up!

Courage– a word that has many different meanings, and is one of the most powerful.

I am reminded on a daily basis how much courage it takes to show up and live life! Being an addict in recovery is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding things I’ve ever done!

I face many challenges that used to send me spiraling out of control, and today walk through them with a new found courage. A majority of my life I used some sort of substance or behavior to change the way that I felt! I’m slowly learning different ways to deal with my fear today!

I have shared a few different experiences on my blog, but sometimes just showing up and facing life takes a lot of courage when what you have known for so long in the bottom of a spoon, or the inside of a dope sack, or an atmosphere where the sounds from gaming drown out any thoughts, yet make your heart race.

Choosing to come off my meds while pregnant 🤰🏼 demonstrators courage in a way I haven’t known, because I get to trust and believe that my god will take care of me and this baby. I have only ever known getting loaded when I’m not medicated so this is much different for me!

Everyday I get to work towards a better future and walk through fear to achieve the life I have always dreamed.

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Life’s greatest blessings ❤️

February 23rd, 2018

Due October 6. 2018. What will it be? A boy, or a girl? The constant thought and question once I got past my initial shock.

No matter how bad I wanted to be a mom, I was not ready, and it could have been a terrible disaster bringing a baby into this world during that time in my life. Today I’m grateful for Gods timing.

Am I ready? I ask myself frequently! The drastic changes that have had to take place in my life since I found out that I’m expecting are simply miracles, or at least I’d have to say. Up until this point I don’t believe I would have been capable of taking such responsibility and caution to care for this little peanut 🥜 growing inside me.

As an addict, I know the struggles I have faced in trying to get clean and stay clean. After years of fighting this battle, I understand how this is a cunning baffling and powerful disease, and I am powerless to it! I could not stop using drugs, regardless of the consequences, and it was a painful process for myself and everyone in my life. Finding out I was pregnant, I knew it was no longer just about me, and I had to make a choice to be selfless for the sake of this little being.

After almost a year of struggle, I was finally stable on mental health meds, and I knew that they were not safe and would be harmful to my baby, So we began the detox process, the day I found out I was pregnant! I wanted to make sure that I got through the pregnancy with the baby in mind, and that at the forefront.

I guess we could say that I’m an extremist. It’s black and white, all or nothing! So immediately I changed my caffeine intake and quit smoking as well. To be in a position where it’s no longer just about me, but a little baby I’m growing inside me, gives me the motivation to take better care of myself!

Today I’m 7 weeks and 5 days. Finally, completely off all of my medications, and am exhausted everyday! I can sleep all night and still take a nap and go to bed early. The baby sucks every ounce of energy out of me.

As for how I’m feeling, well…..Nauseous, and always craving pickles, and green olives! Constantly drinking milk. Maybe I have a salt defincincy, cause the amount of pickles and green olives I eat is still never enough to curb my cravings!

I have seen my baby 👶 twice now. Heart beat is good, and so far we’re doing well! This whole thing is a lot!

I see the dr again in a week and a half and will be able to hear the heart beat, and get some pictures of my precious little peanut!

So far I’ve gained a total of 5 lbs, but that seems to fluctuate depending on time of day! My clothes are getting tighter and my skin is much more clear then I have ever seen it before. My hair feels much thicker then normal, and it seems to be growing.

I have started to have really weird dreams at night but I hear thats normal! The days seem to be going by really slow! But I’m sure this little peanut 🥜 will be here before I know it, and ill be wishing during those sleepless nights that I could put them back inside.

Tag: Soon-to-be-mom

Addiction or Recovery?!?

Courage over Fear

Life’s greatest blessings ❤️