I sat here pondering how I would start this blog! It has been an intention of mine to share my story of active addiction, mental health, motherhood, and hope with others, and writing felt like a therapeutic way to do it. I hope to connect with you, share with you, reach you, and bond with you through my pain, emotions, joy and everyday life on this page!

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I’m not a professional by any means which leaves me feeling wide open, vulnerable and naked, like I’ve felt many times before in my past (figuratively speaking). I’m apprehensive and unsure of how this process will go, however with so much to say, I feel like it needs to be said, and shared with others, or I’m not doing anyone including myself justice.

One reason I wanted to start this blog is for my son to have a reference point when and if he has questions about my life growing up. He can always have a place to come to have the information, some from momentary time, some from memory recall. This opens a dialogue where we can talk about his questions from there. It can be hard to explain certain things to your child.

My hope is simply to bring people like you and me together, to draw strength, hope and light to each others life, and to help others find connection and know they are not alone, and hopefully through sharing my experiences with you, you are able to identify, and find strength and hope in another minute, hour, or day! I hope to be as raw, open, honest and genuine as possible so we can all heal together.

Ill try to keep this simple, I am a recovering Addict with Co-occurring Disorders. I have Bi-polar, PTSD, and ADHD. I have struggled with addiction most of my adolescent/adult life. I have been in and out of treatment centers basically the the entire time I was using, just in and out like a revolving door. That’s where the title of this blog comes from, I survived the odds of the disease of addiction #29 times (Plus now). Every treatment center gave the statistics, and each said, 7 is the average number before it finally clicks for MOST people. Well….let me tell you something, I clearly am not most people lol. I needed more time out running the streets, and more time in treatment trying to figure my life out.  So, unfortunately for me, it took me quite a bit longer, but BY THE GRACE OF GOD I finally figured it out. I’m so grateful for it today.

One of the reasons why I started this blog is because I needed to find a way out of my head, and I felt like sharing it with others was a good idea with the hope that it could possibly be an inspiration to someone else. I know that for me, hearing other peoples experiences helped save my life, and still do every single day!

What took me so long to figure it out? Here’s the thing, I will never have it figured out! I suffer from a disease, that’s cunning, baffling and powerful, and that I have no control over and can creep up on me at any given moment, in the sneakiest of ways. I have always believed and been told that if I am not working on my recovery then I am working on a relapse. Its that simple. I must make sure to practice the spiritual principles of recovery in order to maintain the life I have today. The biggest ones for me are: Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness, Faith, and Gratitude.

I have had to learn what happens when my recovery isn’t the first priority. Its the same vicious cycle, every time. I fall off my recovery plan, and I start believing the lies in my head such as, “I can hang out with Joe Blow” or “I can go play $20 at the casino tonight” or maybe, “One drink wont hurt!” The biggest one, “These pills are prescribed, they wont be a problem”, and then before you know it I’m off and running again. Its that quick. it doesn’t take very long at all for me to be engulfed by this disease. And I’ve done it time and time again. You would think I would know how to prevent it, but it doesn’t work like that, because you see I’m powerless. 

I can choose to be the victim to this disease and be powerless or I can get up, and try again. That’s the most important piece here, is being a survivor. Not wallowing in the wrong or bad choices, not beating myself up because I cant figure it out. But dragging myself to the starting line and giving myself the chance for another “Day One.” The first day clean is always the hardest. So be kind to yourself and others, be gentle, remember that we have been in a war zone of sorts, and getting clean is scary everytime, we are walking away and giving up our best friend and possibly our only friend. So continue jumping the hurdles, and running the race, don’t give up on yourself, a relapse doesn’t have to be the end of the race for you!

And by the way, if no ones told you……I’m proud of you, you are a miracle!