My life has very seldom been boring. If I wasn’t living the madness in reality, Ive been busy creating and telling myself a new story in my head due to something traumatic or damaging that had happened, in order to protect myself and SURVIVE those moments or periods of time.

There came a point when all my life was, was SURVIVAL…and I started learning at a young age. 

Emotionally,  I felt alone. The detachment and disconnecting started when I was just a little girl. I had this dream. There was me on one side of the pond, and my mom on the other, and alligators in the middle. I had to scream at the alligators in the pond, to just let me get to my mom; who was standing on the other side of the pond. I could never get to her. And every night when I had this dream, I would wake up, and never have gotten to my mom. Those were my nightmares for years. I never knew what it was about, or why, I just knew that I had them. It happened when I was sick, or when I was I afraid of something.

All my life growing up, anytime that I talked about how I felt, I was made to feel different.  My fears were crazy and weird to other people, and I was far from popular or much liked in school. I did not have a high self-esteem even as young as I can remember. I remember being in elementary school and being made fun of for how I dressed and for who I was, even tho I was just learning. Back then, you wouldn’t think how you did your hair, or how you dressed really mattered, but it did. I was not the coolest, in the class, and it mattered to me. 

Either way, I started to learn how to do this thing, they call, “detaching” Or disassociating. Take myself away to somewhere else and play in my head till it was ok to come back again. (I didn’t know at that time this was what I was doing, I learned later on this is what was happening)

As I grew up, this behavior continued. As a result, I was unable to participate in relationships due to the fact that I couldn’t show up and be apart as a whole. I had done myself damage. Not only had I been on and off drugs since I was 14, but I had taught myself that anytime that I felt unwanted feelings, I would go somewhere else, to get away from those feelings. I also had childhood trauma which led to me deeper into drug use, and deeper in detachment and dissociating.

I feel like my life had turned in a broken record, or a scratched CD. I was on a roller coaster ride I had never heard about. Things were getting worse, and things started happening that I had never imagined before. I just wanted it to end.

It only got worse, and things just continued to go down hill. I wish that I could say that my story turned around here, but it didn’t. Unforntantely I had many more years of misery, and drug use followed here. Its been a long 15 years. Im lucky to be alive. Living the life of a drug addict, with mental health issues, some of us dont live to write about it. I however, did!